DARVO
DARVO flips the conversation so the person you confronted becomes the injured party.
Clear definition
What it means
They deny the harm, attack your response, then recast themselves as the victim.
Common situation
A common situation
You say a comment embarrassed you. They reply, 'That never happened, and you are abusive for accusing me.'
The original behavior disappeared. Now you are defending your tone, memory, and character.
Underneath
What is actually happening
DARVO uses denial and blame reversal to move attention away from the original issue.
If you follow the attack, the behavior you named never gets addressed.
How to recognize it
How to recognize it
- Watch for the conversation shifting from what happened to how cruel you are for naming it.
What it sounds like
Common lines
That did not happen, and your tone is abusive.
You are hurting me by bringing this up.
I was trying to help, and now I am the villain.
Use it in the moment
What to do next
- Return to the concrete behavior.
- Do not litigate who is the bigger victim.
Keep the line clean
Mistakes to avoid
- Do not defend your whole character.
- Do not abandon the original issue.
Response language
Response scripts
We can talk about my tone after we address the comment.
I am not debating who is the victim. I am naming the behavior.
The issue is what happened yesterday, not whether I am unfair for bringing it up.
Practice layer
When to use the simulator
Use the simulator when blame reversal makes you defend yourself too soon. Practice staying with the original issue for one more sentence.