DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. In practice, it means you raise a concrete harm and suddenly you are on trial for being cruel enough to mention it.
Spot the flip
The giveaway is speed. The conversation jumps from what happened to how injured they are that you brought it up. Your tone, loyalty, timing, memory, or gratitude becomes the main event.
- Deny: That never happened.
- Attack: You are always dramatic.
- Reverse: I cannot believe you would hurt me like this.
Return to the concrete behavior
Do not defend your entire personality. Name the flip or return to the behavior that started the conversation.
We can talk about my tone after we address what happened.
I am not debating who is the victim. I am naming the behavior.
The issue is the comment you made, not whether I am unfair for noticing it.
End circular reversals
If every attempt to clarify becomes another accusation, you are not in a repair conversation. You are in a reversal loop.
This is no longer about the issue I raised, so I am pausing here.
I am available for a conversation about the behavior, not a trial of my character.
I will come back when we can stay with the original point.
